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BOOKS PUBLISHED:
The Black Messiah
This note was found in a ruined basement.
“I see it`s getting darker now. What`s the time? About eleven. I have enough time, I guess. They won`t find me until midnight. But by midnight I will be cold as ice. Hm…
Those who will find this note may be cops. I don`t fear them. Oh, they are people like everyone else. Don`t burn this. It`s better to know about the fall of a self-titled “God” than to close your eyes and wish you will never hear about it again.
So. I know perhaps I`m mad. I know I made a lot of so cruel mistakes. I realized it today. When I saw the first rays of the sunrise and I recalled my childhood. No pain, no nightmares. Don`t you understand what I mean? I`m going to tell you my whole story. Please, listen to me.
I remember I was born in a small town in the countryside. It was winter and they say it was so cold that I didn`t want to cry because of the chill. It was a dark night and the bell of the church tolled. What a scary scene! I wish I had the chance to see it. So, my father is an engineer working in a small company and my mother is a nurse . She`s so mercyful. She loves children. Both of them loved me so. I know. I had nice clothes, always ready for writing pens and delicious food for breakfast and dinner. They insisted on going to church every Sunday but I didn`t like it. They weren`t so religious but thought every decent man should be a little bit religious.
I attended one of the best schools. They have the best way to prepare you for life, people say. But I never made any friends. I`ve always been so lonely. I got no brothers or siters. I spent all my days in a cage of four walls, all by myself. Questions unanswered, answers didn`t find. I couldn`t talk much with people because I got nothing to tell them. I was the fool of the class. The withdrawn one. No friends, no enemies, just a black dot on the wall. They joked, made me feel so uneasy and confused. I was a loser. My father had planned my future – work from seven to five in his company, an engineer with a decent salary, two point five kids and a widely smiling wife. But I hated mathematics, chemistry, physics, biology… A pure faschism. But my father insisted on studying them. The more I tried to remember all those formulas and laws, the more I understood nothing. I liked no subject at school. All of them were extremely boring and useless. I stared through the window for hours, watching the snowflakes or the rain. What a hell!
I was marching meaninglessly on the old grey streets. My life was hollow as an empty space. Hating myself, hating all the rest, falling asleep with open eyes and sinking within myself…I have nothing to believe in, I guessed. Some believe in family, some – in brighter future, some – in themselves and some in a certain idea. I got no precious family to love, no future to wait for, I hated myself and was totally indifferent to all kind of ideas. But I was still forced to go to church from time to time. So I decided that God could be the one to believe in. I was scared when I stepped into the church. I saw all those crucifixes, all those icons and paintings on the walls. I stared into Christ`s suffering eyes, his weak dying flesh and the crown of thorns torturing his head. I felt a kind of empathy. Not exactly love but a kind of respect or regard, a fearful inspiration. Like he had been a part of me lost long before I was born. I felt my flesh tortured by the same Roman soldiers. I have found a reason, I thought. But as soon as I felt a kind of a relief, I was shocked: he didn`t want to talk to me. I was asking him a lot of questions but he said nothing. He seemed totally indifferent to me. I felt as the Earth opened beneath my feet and prepared to swallow me. Oh God! No response. I walked away, believing in nothing again, in God less than everything.
I thought he hould have said anything. Was I going insane? Probably.Slightly my days were turning into nightmares. I dreamed for the wounds, burning of pain, the thorns and the suffering eyes like I had been beyond those eyes and I had seen a tortured soul – the same as mine. I have always been close to the razor`s edge, thinking of a suicide. One day I didn`t go to school, I didn`t do my homeworks. I made so many scars on my hands and breasts that I looked like a wounded soldier in a world war. I used the bleeding blood to draw with it rectangles and triangles on my face. I put off my clothes and looked in the mirror. Yes, I looked like him. I was suffering inside and outside. Yes, I had no God because I looked like Him. Now I think I was totally mad. But then I saw a new-born God in my shadow. Oh, what a mistake! I thought I was the new Messiah. The second one, the same as the first.
I ran from home as soon as I could. I got no shelter, no money and nowhere to go to. I was 19 and probably my parents were totally crazy because didn`t found me at home. I sold my watch and with the money I bought a bus ticket to ---. The next months I spent living like a pauper, sleeping at the stations, marching aimlessly on the streets, usually reaching the poorest neighbourhoods. I was observing people`s life. My hair grew long and dirty, I got no more a face of a 19-year-old boy but a sober face of a new messiah. I saw so many people living in misery and pain. I had never thought before life could be such a hell. I didn`t believe my eyes. Something had to be done. I could no more to take it. There is a story in which Jesus enters the Temple and makes the traders go away. I started to talk and may be – to preach. I am not a wise man but I got two truths: people are suffering in this world and I am their saviour sent by the heaven to bring them anyhow to their lost paradise. Did I believe in all these things? Yes. I was the Messiah.
I have never had many followers. People usually don`t believe in such things but once persuaded, they are going to die for the cause. Most of them were totally crazy and didn`t really understand me. I was an unshaved filthy youngster who was talking like a possessed man. But some of them went home after my speeches, sat infront of their poor dinner and thought how distorted and dissatisfying their life was. Some of them came back asking questions. I talked with them about my faith. I persuaded them that God Almighty had sent me to solve the great problem of mankind. What was the problem? You`ve forgotten your roots. You no more remember your past. Your life has become so confused. Look back at the tribes in the prehistoric times who had no skyscrapers, planes, coffee machines and atomic bombs. Their life wasn`t easy but there souls were more pure and candid. It`s time to walk the way back to our roots and we will avoid the apocalypse of our self-destructive computer age. Was that right? Was that the truth?
I have no idea. I probably looked like a fool. Another mentally lobotomized preacher, people said. But not all of them. In the suburbs of the capital a family of followers offered me to stay at their house. I agreed, of course, and every day a group of faithful disciples gathered around me. There I had an audience to enchant. I told them I was the new Messiah. They swallowed my every word and were eager to bring my ideas to a realization. I don`t remember when I told them that the time for changes has come. People don`t need any government, politicians, administration, parliaments…indeed. Their existence, I said, is a blasphemy. The only one we should obey is god. Afterwards some would say I convinced my disciples to kill, burn and destroy. But what could I do? They were out in the streets, gathering in the dark, breaking windows, starting fires. But it wasn`t what I meant. The number of disciples grew bigger and bigger, they had a destructive energy to release. But the more they did, the more I couldn`t control them. No way to control a shouting crowd. They didn`t understand my ideas, they understood only that if they believe in me, they can annihilate everything. It was a part of my own theories. I love this kind of love at first but every time I stared at my reflection in the mirror I was scared. I no more saw myself in my eyes. Until today. The day of revelation.
Perhaps I was drugged by my own power over those people, by their love and trust in me. I looked like a God. I had people to worship me all around the house I lived in. I was just 24 and got no experience in life but 40-year-old people listened to me as curious children. Oh God. Certainly then I turned into a beast. I fell in love with myself, absolutely persuaded that God is my father and I have a mission. Bloodthirsty, I watched as my disciples destroy so we could go back to the primitive age.
Several years had passed since I left home and police was searching for me. Suddenly they heard of the Black Messiah ( black is my favourite colour ). His disciples were committing crimes and causing chaos – especially attacking important administrative buildings or facilities. Quickly I was announced to be the most wanted criminal. The church and the government claimed that I was their greatest enemy. A new-titled Jesus. But I ran away. I was hiding in basements and shelters. Away from the charm of my words, people easily betray me. Here is the last place I managed to hide into. I knew I got no more chances to escape and decided not to show anyway where my current location is. But I spent here 20 lonely days in thr dark. I was used to having so much people around me. Then finally I picked up the phone receiver and dialed the number at home. “ Hello? “, I asked. My mother asked who was there. She didn`t even recognize my own voice.
So I`ve been sitting here for almost 6 hours. Every minute I find more reasons for my absolute demise. I`m mad and frustrated man calling himself a new Messiah. I know they know where I am and the cops will be here soon. The last thing I want to say is that I`m the only one guilty and I take on me the sins of my disciples so they are innocent. Don`t judge them. I`m sure about my future. There`s line a step over. It`s the end.”
The so-called Black Messiah was found self-crucified as a second Jesus on the wall in the small room he`d been hiding in for some days. He had a crown of thorns on his head and his body was torn.
His disciples were judged as criminals and sent to prison. His parents soon went insane and lost their jobs. Still it`s unknown where his grave is and many of his disciples hope that he…Whatever…And Justice For All.
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